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I have asked him about the kids, and he has also responded favorably to them as well. I understand what you are saying about the future, and the questions being vague I am beginning to see the way I need to talk to him to be most successful.
I would've thought that using the word 'forever' would be too scary, but I see what you are suggesting. I want so much to learn how to interact with him verbally, and I want to be able to give him what he needs, but have my needs met too.
This is all so interesting to me. I am so glad I 'happened' upon your blog, it may in fact be a life saver for me I have spent so many nights lying awake trying to figure out how to interpret his actions, his words or lack of them and his feelings.
Meant to tell you that unlike many of the descriptions I have read, he looks into my eyes often, especially when I am speaking to him about serious issues. Thank you again, I hope I can tap into your wisdom often! One more question though, is it a trait of Aspergers to lie about certain things? I am hoping not, but I have some concerns that I would like to explain, perhaps at a later date.
It would be a deal breaker for me, I am afraid. Lying generally isn't an aspie trait and in fact aspies find it more difficult than most to lie. We tend to cling to the truth, even when it hurts. There is one major exception - when we've been cornered. I'm assuming that your suspected lie revolves around a relationship issue. If you told your aspie that it was a deal breaker, then you may have cornered him. Then again, it's possible that you're reading way too much into it.
Aspies give off a lot of liar body-language signals not meeting the eyes, monotone voice etc. Sometimes people think we're lying even when we're telling the truth.
Well I am not so sure about the lying part either.. I ask a question that seems innocent anough and I get made up answers and then taking them apart I get others and then others and then finally it is often that he does not want to do something or other or hasn't but has made up answers to try to not have to disappointment or tell me the truth about something that he feels he will get in trouble for.
I have tried to tell him that it is ok to just tell me out right and then I will know but he doesn't some how feel safe or secure anough. He has spent years trying to stay out of trouble with his family and making up stuff or lying to not have them upset. A few days later? After a month of talking about them they were left not openned and not dealt with.
At one point when asked he said he had paid them actually Cleaning up the financial mess now this end but my question then becomes The mess could have been avoided all together but he was avoiding something he is fearful of or dislikes doing or just does not do well and for that he could have just said "I don't want to do that" or "I can't" or "will you help me? Needless to say I am now taking on the bills and he dislikes having to deal with me with them but there is no other choice they have to be paid and the finances need to be dealt with.
Is this type of avoidance normal??? I love him so I will work on it but honestly it is alot to take on in a fairly new relationship Thank you again Gavin for some insightful words. The lie I was referring to related to the fact that I discovered he was still online and pursuing other women even after we had been together quite a few months and were spending a lot of time together.
I did 'confront' him on it and he promised he was not pursuing anyone, which in fact was not true. He also promised that if it was so upsetting to me he would get off line, but still, 5 months later, has not. I am not sure what to do about this, I have pledged my devotion and love to him and my desire to have a relationship based upon trust, etc.
I have told him that I do not have tolerance for him dating anyone else. This may have backed him into a corner, as you described.
I am trying to understand him and I love him greatly and in spite of the words feel that he loves me greatly too. That is the only reason I am 'tolerating' this, but I am not sure how long that I can ignore this. I do not feel there have been any other lies. My guy, contrary to others described looks into my eyes often and with great care and honesty. Often, I write him very loving emails, filled with my feelings for him. Rarely does he answer these emails, in fact, they get completely ignored.
They are sweet and kind and loving, and he just ignores them. That feels very strange. I understand the 'Aspie' lack of communication, but this feels pretty hurtful. Often, too, I will say to him that I miss him, or love being with him, etc.
Not even an "I miss you too'. In a 'normal' relationship, I would quickly interpret this to mean that he does not have the same feelings for me as I do for him, and would move on. However, his actions and words when I am with him speak very, very loudly as to his love and care for me.
This is incredibly confusing to me. In another circumstance with someone else, I would've moved on by now, assuming that the other person did not care deeply for me. Can you help me understand this? September 5, It might surprise you at how The reason he may not respond to your emails and other communication, is because you are making statements to him. You are telling him how you feel, and that is not a question, but a statement of fact, therefore, it requires no answer from him.
Try to rephrase your emails, perhaps by starting the body with statements about how you feel, and then the next paragraph question him, with comments like, "I wish for you to express to me what our relationship is like for you. I'm still really confused how Aspies might love in a different way to an NT. I have been seeing my boyfriend for nearly 3 months and he was recently diagnosed with Asperger's. But I hardly noticed that he was different.
Of course now that we know for sure, I can see little things which may cause problems for us, but one thing we both know for sure is that we love each other. He told me after only one month, while it was me that took a little longer to say it. And then the other day he told me he can't love like everyone else does. I didn't understand it, and he couldn't explain it to me. I said I loved him because I meant it, I want to be with him all the time, I love him for who he is, I want everything with him Does it mean he doesn't feel the same?
Is it only something he says but doesn't feel? Will his love for me vanish as quickly as it came? I am so confused, I really want to understand it though. I love him so much and am willing to make an effort here, I don't want things to end because he's an Aspie. It's a part of who he is, and I love him for who he is. Without more information on how your boyfriend acts and feels , it's impossible to answer this question. One thing I will point out though is that sometimes aspies deal in absolutes.
We don't always recognise love as "love", just high affection. It doesn't change the feeling, just the name. Similarly, we don't necessarily act out all of the normal social things that lovers do. Sometimes it feels a little too unnatural for us. I think that one thing that should be mentioned again, is that every aspie is different, and that this is a Spectrum Disorder.
Therefore, what applies to one of us, doesn't necessarily apply to all of us. Speaking only for myself, I indeed feel love, at least i think , in much the same way as an NT does. The difference is how I express my love. The physical things aren't so much an issue. I can kiss, I can touch, I can be touched, in fact I love to do all those things. But what makes me different, is that I cannot do it for as long, snuggling is something that rarely lasts longer than 5 or 10 mins. Its not because I dont want it to last longer, its because the touch sensation eventually starts to become overwhelming.
But these are minor issues, the bigger issue for me, and I am sure for other aspies, is turning something abstract, like love, into a verbal, or tangible thing. Most of us do not deal well with abstracts, we rely on absolutes instead. Trying to express something that is not, "tangible", can be a big barrier for many aspies. I wish I had found this blog earlier and your advice. I recently broke up with a gentleman who has undiagnosed asperger's. I care about him alot and seemed to have done all the wrong things in our relationship.
Alot of what he needs I never understood because he could never communicate to me what he needed. I am willing to adapt to give him what he needs. He has had meltdowns, does much better when he has had time alone I want to revisit this relationship Logic seems to hit home the easiest and being straight forward, answering questions and asking what he thinks may work out better then you think. Steve and I tend to sit down often, particularly when there are problems and I explain what I am experiencing, how I understand things and ask how he sees things and what we can do about X problem.
Usually we do whatever he suggests and sometimes I take what he suggests and adapt it with suggestions added to make it workable. All in all communication seems to be a big thing: And well worth the work. Have to admit I am happy: Thank you for the comments I think friends is where it is at for us. So pleased to have found this site. My boyfriend was tall, attractive, intelligent - overall charismatic.
His sister and I were friends for four years before I started seeing him, and I thought we knew a little about each other. How things changed when we started seeing each other. But it was a disaster that tooks me years to understand. I blamed myself for our break up even though I had been going through some incredibly difficult things. Now I realise he had AS. He never asked for my opinions, my feelings, my background, my experiences.
I was his girlfriend and fit in around his guitars. He was jealous when I needed support from anyone else but him. If I called when he was listening to music, his mum dare not disturb him. I was expected to read his mind, he was angry and frustrated if I wanted a night in. I became anxious and afraid to bring up a topic of converation. I didn't know what to do or say so I kept quiet.
Even he picked up on ther fact that I was not happy he told me as he lft me but he had never asked me why. Now I forgive him. He could not help it. It's interesting that he has married a small, quietly spoken woman for whom English is a second language. Perhaps this will work for him. I have married another man - no topic is out of bounds! I have been dating someone for a couple of months who I suspect is an Aspie.
He got very defensive when I asked if he'd been in therapy. He's highly intelligent, totally non-communicative about feelings yet communicative about intellectual interests to the point of perfect formal language , he even sometimes takes notes while we're together.
My main clues were him saying when I brought up expression of emotions: I don't know if I can have THAT" and his terrible understanding of body language and subtle emotional cues. He also seems unable to activate behavior without mimicking me. I often have to take the lead in the depth of the conversation or physical intimacy but he follows suit. We were having a great time until I got emotional and wanted him to express more.
I think he mistook it for me asking for a commitment when I just wanted a phone call or some flattering nice words, as I have been the one taking the lead in calling and asking him on dates.
He's always responsive and plans a date, we spend hours in deep intellectual discussion, have amazing sex, spend the night together but there's just no declaration of feelings or lead-taking on his part like he doesn't get some basic social cues. He still wants to continue as we were but go no further in other words, I'm guessing, no more pleas for emotional expression.
Does this sound Aspy or just like someone who's been damaged by a difficult upbringing? This sounds so familiar. Exactly what I have experienced in the nine months I have been dating my boyfriend. He hasn't even said 'I love you', but has shown me in so many ways that he does. I have been trying to believe that actions speak louder than words, and it is what he is capable of, and accept him for who he is.
I am a very emotional, expressive, communicative ad loving person, so this is very difficult for me. I too, am always looking for the words, the expression, that he feels about me the same way I feel about him. It is for me to decide whether I can deal with this. I am 46 and divorced and really love this person beyond words.
I have been through a lot, and don't want to repeat many of the same mistakes. I have not asked for a commitment though I would like one , but I have asked him if he foresees a future for us, because if he doesn't I do not want to continue a relationship with him.
I have involved my children with him, after much discussion with him, and my heart is completely given to him. I am scared to be in so deep without any true acknowledgement of what our relationship means to him. I have tried to ask him direct questions, and have gotten some satisfying answers; however, I do wish he could and would offer me more. I understand exactly what you are saying.
I'm hoping someone out there has some thoughts for us both! It is like you have been sitting in my livingroom talking about our relationship.. My partner never says "I love you". He says "I know" sometimes when I say it.
It is funny because he will come up look at me a certain way, say "what" in a cute and curious way and then kiss me. It is cute but communication is a big issue. We can talk about most things, but ultimately he functions on logic far more then emotions. So logically we are living together because I want to be His interests are all consuming for hsi focus.
He has huge problems with multi tasking as a focus and likes to focus on one thing at a time. In any case I wouldn't trade him for the world and am very much in love with him. I can understand your saying that you need to decide if you can live with realizing what he can give in the relationship that may very well not be in words.
Sometimes I wonder if we really can understand each other and then something happens and I realize again that I would not want to be living anywhere but where I am now. I am looking forward to growing old together I hope he can figure out if that might be an ok thing for him to do. Time will tell but for today we are together and I haven't been happier then I am with him. This was pre Instead he attempted to help me with other issues. Long story short, I was able to function in the world for years.
This is going to be very difficult for me. I do have problems discussing myself, my feelings, which I seldom understand and cannot express, but I am better able to write about them. I was also hit with a double whammy in that I am gay. I feel very odd coming to you all for advice. I basically have no close friends. I have three sisters, whom I would never discuss this with.
And being fifty years old, I feel somewhat like an idiot for not being able to sort through this on my own. I met a man on line. We became fast, close friends. We seemed to understand each other no matter what we discussed. We met, as friends, once. Things happened that confused and upset me. I lost my job, a huge change in my life. I had a meltdown and stopped talking to him, and virtually anyone, for nearly a year. Turns out, he has Asperger Syndrome.
He was diagnosed when I cut him off. I did something completely out of the ordinary for myself, and contacted him again. He is on his own road of self discovery, and after years of just existing, I too am on a road of self discovery.
This is just as bewildering to me, maybe more so because of the Aspie inability to grasp the non tangible and not being able to communicate how I feel. I know there are very strong emotions on my side. After reading the specific questions above, I know I would answer yes to all of them. How he would feel, I am not sure, and I am hesitant to ask. He welcomed me back with open arms because he does the same thing as far as simply cutting people off.
We have spent nearly everyday on line comparing notes, sharing our thoughts, and what is currently going on in his life.
I am more private about the specifics of mine. He is currently involved with another guy, who also has Asperger Syndrome. How they met is an issue to me. There is also a twenty five year age difference between them, which I also have an issue with.
He has said he is not his soul mate. He has said that he is good for him right now because he is learning to do things he never did before. He has said he values our relationship, but I constantly feel like I am getting mixed messages.
He offered me a job. He has a website. I have been learning everything I can about websites from before I lost my job. I need a job. I feel like I have no direction in life right now. I know I am jealous of the relationship, but I am kind of in my own right now that suits my needs. I want to work with him. I want to have him in my life. Nate, I really think that it all boils down to you. There's the question of whether you're happier when you're in contact with this person or not.
I think the answer to that is pretty obvious. Don't trash a healthy relationship or friendship when it's doing you both good. After all, the only thing that seems to be causing you issues is the third person. I think it would be fair to explain your situation, perhaps in writing, to the man you've met. Make sure that you leave him room though, no ultimatums or conditions on the friendship.
He's unlikely to leave someone with whom he has a relationship purely on the basis of your feelings about that relationship but if you're correct, then the third person will eventually leave of their own accord. So long as you don't put yourself in a position where you can be blamed for a breakup, there's no reason why you shouldn't stay exactly where you are happiest.
Who knows, when things change, they may change in your favour. Well I would have to agree with the last writer. If you need a job then taking employment is not a bad thing. If you think that you can focus on friendship or a professional relationship with this man then all the better.
If you think that you will want to be his lover and he already has one then you have a problem. Boundries might be the best bet in this case.. Pros and Cons lists work. The reality is that he has to be in the relationship he is in and if it ends you don't want to end up the rebound guy He has to deal with his own stuff. The motive behind why he is offering to hire you is my underlying question I know you have lived alot of your life already and in the end you will hopefully know the direction you need to take on this one.
As for having someone light up your life I have to admit I might be wanting to chase that sunlight too if it was me There are several aspect to his personality which have made me wonder whether he might have some characteristics of an aspie.
He is a highly sociable person but he has a lot of friends and very few close friends. He is not an open person, many people have said that they find him difficult to get to know well. He is a mathematician and is a highly logical, rational person. In over 4 years of being together he never told me that he loved me, or that he missed me when we were apart.
He never talked about the future with me, or our future together, and we rarely discussed the past. His father died when he was 10 years old and I have never known him speak about it from an emotional viewpoint.
He disliked sleeping in the same bed as me, always needing his own bed and bedroom in order to sleep well. He disliked being touched a lot, often saying that it was 'too much' or 'annoying'.
Although he enjoyed sex with me, he often found the process amusing and would initiate it awkwardly with the phrase "should we have sex? He has often offended people by not being receptive to their emotions, or by arguing a point too far purely for the sake of being right.
All of these things in the past I would have described as "a very his name thing to do", but now it seems like I could use the word aspie or something similar in place of his name and it makes sense. I may be reading too much into things by equating these characteristics with him being somewhere on the spectrum.
Some friends have in the past asked me whether he is, or might be. Right now it is the only thing that can cast any light on my situation. All I know is that I love him for exactly who he is. I don't know whether I should discuss this with him or not. He has asked me in the past whether I think he is emotionally 'normal', but I said I loved him for who he was, that 'normal' covers a wide range of things.
Sorry for the very long double post. I know nobody can give me answers, but I would be grateful for anyone's opinions or thoughts. I am currently trying to make sense of the end of my 4-year relationship with the man I would describe as the love of my life. Reflection on certain aspects of our relationship and his personality has resulted in me arriving at this webpage. So many of the things I have read on this page ring true about our relationship; so many of the things which have confused me over the past 4 years seem to make sense when I read what others have written and experienced.
My ex-partner ended our relationship by saying that although everything worked on paper, although being with me made him happy, that we were compatible and understood each other, although I am his best friend and he is closer to me than he has been to anyone else in his entire life, although he is physically attracted to me and feels a very deep bond and connection with me, and although he could see himself being happy to spend his life with me, he thought it wasn't enough.
The most certain thing he could say was that he "thought he ought to feel something that he doesn't think he feels, but he doesn't know what it is". He said that he feels he has been pushing me away emotionally and physically when I have tried to get close to him because he thought there was something missing in his feelings.
Although he never said it to me, I believed that he loved me because all of his actions said so. He has told me that he doesn't know what love is, that he can't understand it. He doesn't even know whether he loves his own mother and sister. He has never been in a relationship with anyone else, so has nothing to compare his feelings to. He has said to me in the past that he doesn't think he feels emotions in the same way that other people do. Part of the reason that he thinks our break-up was the right thing to do is that although he feels sad underneath, he feels okay and can carry on.
A description of him that I have used, which he has agreed with, is that I thought that he could lose everyone and everything close to him in his life and it wouldn't have a great impact on him. B, Sometimes aspies get hung up on the word "love". It's hard to get a handle on what it really means. With other emotions such as pain physical rather than emotional , you have no doubt that it's occurring. Love however is more difficult.
Sometimes aspies get hung up on the word versus the feeling and can't tell that they're in love. Hi Gavin, thanks for replying to my post. What you have said makes sense. I get the feeling that he is hung up over whether what he feels is enough, over whether he should be feeling some burning passion all the time! After four years of being his lover and living with him, I can certainly say that what I feel is not giddy, sunshiney, burning passionate love, but a deep bond, an understanding, a happiness.
At the end of the day if he doesn't think that what he feels is enough for him, then that is his choice. However, when I run through a list of questions like 'are you happy being with me' etc, his answers suggest to me that he does love me.
He has expressed concern to me before that he isn't sure whether he is emotionally 'normal'. I now don't know whether I should share my thoughts with him.
Part of me feels that I owe it to him to be honest, that he might be asking questions of himself that he can't answer on his own. He has let me get closer to him than he has ever let anyone, and I feel that I should be honest. However, I don't want to hurt him in the process. He is 24 I'm 26 and I feel that he could possibly go through his whole life feeling like something was missing and feeling like he wasn't normal.
It's not that having a label would change anything, but it may help him recognise why he feels different and accept that it is okay. Has helped so much. I need some further help though and I can't find anyone else right now who would be able to provide me with some answer. There is a guy I like a lot. He has mild AS. He is a wonderful poet, actor and writer.
I asked him out on a date, he said yes. We went on the date, to the theatre. He was complimenting me, being very romantic i. Then after the show, he took me to a pub; all the way there we were talking and when things got queit, we just comfortably walked in silence, arms linked. Then in the pub, he said "I'm not romantically attracted to you", but went into a lengthy explanation of establishing a good friendship first because he can't pick up girls in a bar or chat up a girl.
He needs a friendship first, which I agree with, it made me like him more for his honesty and upfront-ness. Then, on the tube-ride home, I asked whether he would like to see where this goes or just be friends.
He said "let's be friends, but who knows what'll happen in the future". While saying this, he was holding me, fondling my hands and kissing my forehead. Which has left me very very confused. I genuinely like him, so I've been researching AS and bought a couple of books.
Knowing what I know so far about AS and his poetry, he is very much in a spiral of negativity. He has very low self-esteem, can't get over his first love which was unreciprocated. He was also forceful with his first love not being able to read the signals clearly, so he's guilty for that.
Even though his first love is fine and has moved on. I can clearly see that he's tried to learn and improve upon himself. For example, aspies aren't very good empathisers. But he was extremely caring with me when I mentioned my grandmother in hospital. He was suprisingly loving and touchy-feely, which I liked very much. For a first date he took me by suprise, I thought it was going well, but I am very confused as to why he would be so loving and touchy-feely with me, but then say "I'm not romantically attracted to you" and then a long explanation on friendship?
I have seen him interact with other women, close 'friends' he says they're friends but he's more of a loner, very much on his own and he is not even half as loving or touchy-feely with them.
In fact, I've never seen him touch them in anyway, only talk. He's very friendly, but doesn't initiate any body contact with them. A new film is coming to dvd in Feb called 'Adam'; a romantic comedy set around AS. We had takled about it on our date, and not knowing it had already come out, discussed the possibility of seeing it in the cinema when it comes out.
Now I know it's coming straight out onto dvd, I pre-ordered it. I told him via email. His response was "cheers for the dvd info, if i'm available we could get together and watch it". I have 2 questions; 1. I understand if he wants a friendship and then perhaps build from there rather than date. I prefer it too. But, I recieved conflicting messages from him. He is smart, he has worked on himself, he knows the differences in body contact and touching.
From a very very confused NT who has got it bad for an aspie. Hi Russian Doll, Aspies often have a great deal of difficulty with concepts like "love" because it's not an emotion they can recognise easily.
For example, physical pain is generally easy to recognise because if something hurts, then you're in pain. Anger is less easy because sometimes you find yourself shouting without realising it hence some people shout "I'm not angry! Love is very much undefined. From your writing, it sounds pretty clear that your "guy" loves you but it might not be clear to him. He's confused and probably doesn't realise that he's sending wrong signals.
His statement that he wasn't romantically attracted to you is probably a good signal to "slow down" but it doesn't mean that you can't have a relationship. You're both on the right track in assuming that it needs to develop from friendship but you need to decide what to do about the touchy-feely aspect.
Non-relationship friends aren't generally touchy-feely. You could tell him this but he might get scared and back off completely. His comments on Adam are to be expected. After all, it's like you're taking a disabled person to see a film about being disabled. It's a bit personal for him.
He's probably a bit unsure about what you'll think of him after the film - especially if you're clear about him being an aspie. It's probably worthwhile building his self-confidence by telling him that you like him and that the film won't change who he is. Like everyone, he's an individual first - and an aspie second. Finally, his comment of, "let's be friends, but who knows what'll happen in the future" should give you real hope.
It's as good as a "done deal" because aspies will often be very uncertain when talking about the future. He's made his requirements quite plain - friends first - and so long as your friendship keeps up, everything else will probably develop from there.
Can you tell me more about not being good at seeing the future as an aspie? My partner is trying to decide to move with me to a small town or to move by himself to a big city. If I can move to the city he has said "yes we will be together". And I do believe as an aspie that he will be just fine. I might not be. So I asked more questions and he basically is stating that he can't deal with the future and can't see what will happen next. I plan and then make steps towards something I want.
Our whole conversation has made me think that he never will get it. I truly do, but he is so independent and centered on himself and him only that he can't understand it seems that we need to work together on things if this relationship is going to work.
I wouldn't trade him for the world. But I am not so convinced it is as mutual and I can't read him really to know if he is not saying things I need to hear because he can't, doesn't understand it or just plain doesn't feel it I don't understand it and I am finding I feel like a fish out of water.
I need to understand Your friend sounds like me I am 37 years old, and understand that I do indeed love my wife, but for a long time I wasn't sure. I only knew that I didn't want to be without her, but my reasons were very logical.
I needed her, she showed strength in many of my areas of weakness. She accepted me when others would push me away, or at the very least, keep me at arms length.
You asked to questions, and I will put my "two cents" in on them. Is he trying to distance himself from me? It is entirely possible that he is try to keep some distance between you. This is easier to explain, but perhaps harder for you to understand, since you are NT.
Being "touchy-feeling" is a physical thing for us, not emotional. He, I know I do, probably enjoys the feeling of your hands, your skin, your clothes, your hair, etc.
You, as well as most other women, view sexual expression in an emotional manner, where as for me, sex is usually not emotional. Add AS into the equation, and sex, or things you might describe as sensual, or emotional such as touching, holding hands, etc.
By the way, Dec 16th, my wife and I will be married for 14 years This relationship your longing for, can happen, and can grow and prosper in the manner in which you seek, but it wont be easy, but that makes it more valuable in the end.
D Good luck to you! The future was always very hazy for me. It's because I can't say anything with certainity - so I avoid saying anything at all.
I act like there is no future. This caused all manner of crazy problems for my then, future wife when we were going out. She would constantly ask where we'd be in the future. I'd answer that I didn't know because, I didn't know. I was being honest. Then she'd ask if we'd still be together in a few years time. Again, I'd be honest. From my point of view, I was being honest but from her point of view, I was being mean and abusive.
It nearly cost us our relationship. We broke up for a year and had she found a "nice" replacement partner instead of someone less suitable , she might never have called me and we might never have gotten back together. All because I was honest about my ability to see the future. I know this probably doesn't make a great deal of sense. I'll probably write a proper post about it with more detail, when I get a spare moment.
Ok I get the honesty part well kind of.. So did you put the money in the bank is always a "yes" but it might never see the account So being honest is only stating what is known as fact.
So if the future is that uncertain you would not make a guess at what you might like to have someday and build on that? I last got told that "when the problems are solved we will look at it" when I asked if he would consider marrying me. Needless to say when he said today he would need to move to bigger city rather then the rural one my house is now in, he could not understand when I became upset. For him it is fact For me it is a matter of "you are my family and I don't want to loose that" and if you are living elsewhere leading your own life then I would not see us together.
He made some statement early on that he would like to always live by himself and yet date me forever but not living together. I would never EVER accept that. So I guess time will tell. He says he is moving with me initially.. He says he doesn't know I don't quite get it. But keep talking to me and see if any more light is shed on the subject.
I will look forward to reading your post!! Thank you so much for your response. It's given me hope. I have never met anyone so fascinating, and unique. I think that the general population of NTs, especially nowadays, are impatient and unwilling to give someone different a little peace of mind.
And with the way the world is ever-changing, it's harder to find someone genuine, especially an NT. I feel lucky that I've met this guy, and even though things are going slow, and a little ambiguous, I prefer it. And I totally agree with him, friendship first and then see what grows. Dating always did feel more like a job interview! Once again, great blog. I will update you as things develop. I forgot to say something. After I got home from our date, I wrote him an email, thanking him for the good time.
I has also written him a poem previous to the date, so I added that in as well: I'm nearly done, I turn each page, With breath, a gasp, but fingers relaxed. I had no idea things could be as awful as the book tells me.
I trust that what I read is true; Know just that little bit more about you. I think I knew a guy in school, Younger than me, but similar to you. He must of had AS as well, but I was young, I couldn't tell. I thought he was a little shit, Not knowing that he struggled to try to fit In with all us girls and guys, Spent most of the time drying his eyes Because he said the wrong thing and then got hit By the school bully who was a dimwit.
I know what it's like, being misunderstood, And you wish that if only people could See the world through your eyes Then maybe they would compromise And give you some peace of mind, Or maybe just backtrack and rewind.
But anyway, time's running out, And now I think I know about Asperger's syndrome; the ups and downs, smiles and frowns, meltdowns. All that's left for me to say is What are you doing next Friday? I've got 2 tickets to see a show and I'd Really like it if we could go Together and then have drinks and a chat About AS, you, me, this, that. I'd really like to know you better, which is What made me write this poetic letter And read the book by Mark Haddon With the 5 star review on Amazon.
So does next Friday sound good to you? Great, let's exchange numbers and I'll call you" He replied "thanks for the poem, really touched by your words. Then came the 2 emails about the film 'Adam' where he said "possibly if I'm not busy" to the first one, and "if I'm available we could get together to watch it" to the second.
The thing is, he is on tour performing, so I think he is being honest here. He was honest on our date to tell me he wasn't romantically attracted to me and the lengthy explanation about being friends as seen in my previous comment.
Perhaps I should say something about what he's like as a person too. He's very sweet, very friendly. I think he's tried very hard over the years to be able to fit in socially, so he's not just ignored. But he is still very much a loner. I can see he enjoys his independance, as do I. He meets new people everyday being on the poetry scene and an actor, it's inevitable you would need to build contacts.
He's professionally close with everyone. Like I said before, I haven't seen him interact with anyone the way he did with me on our date. Sorry to be a pain, but being an NT, we feel like we should try harder which may push an Aspie the other way.
Which I'm trying not to, and I'm not speaking to him again really until the next chance meeting at a poetry night, or when the 'Adam' dvd arrives. I am not asking you to tell me what I want to hear, just your honest opinion, whatever it is, good or bad.
Your last comment gave me real hope, but then I thought I should add this on too, to see if it changed in anyway. Your entry said that he said to you he is not attracted to you Let me tell you a current story about that kind of a statement. Healthy relationships grow and develop and expand, but my relationship with my partner who has AS has never done that. Where we have gotten is I think where we can get to.
That said we have been living together for 10 months, dated each other for a year, known each other for 5 years Ironically anough he thought in having that conversation that he could move out, move to another city, live on welfare to look for work and that he could still be seeing me and that we don't have to end things.
So he would take apart our family life which is fairly new to do this And he wonders why I am not ok with it. I basically said I can handle two things.. I know that dating and him living in a different city he will set up his own life and I just don't need to exist There is no one else close to him I am the only one working now and I have figured out that his incapable of handle or understanding money other then how to spend it.
This means that even though he has nothing financially and is bottoming out, will end up bankrupt and loosing his house soon, he hasn't quit spending. I have seen anough in the past few weeks to know he will HATE living with me because there is the money for keeping a roof over our head and food on the table No toys, no eating out, no driving around because you feel like it In the past two weeks knowing the situation he has bought a camcorder, a cat and supplies, an ear piece with bluetooth for his phone, ate out 6 times, 4 sets of batteries for his cameras, etc I can't take care of him.
I just can't he does not get it. So even if I pay for it all, care about him, provide the necessities of life for him I care about him, in fact I am in love with him. He doesn't get it So it leaves me wondering I know he cares somehow I am not really wanting to end it, but I am finally at a loss as to understand if this is normal???
In response to anonymous; I find that very sad. It's a terrible thing when you love someone so much that even if they unknowingly treat you like nothing, you're still in it. I obviously can't speak on behalf of all NTs, but for me, love is defined as loving someone else so much than when they're sad, you're sad, and you would do whatever you could to help that person, regardless of how you feel, sometimes certainly for me at the expense of your own heart.
This is where it is difficult. Aspies view love as something illogical. It cannot be defined and compartmentalised like other logical things. But you have to trust it. Yes it is not knowing something, there is ambiguity and uncertainty with love.
It's the same for NTs. It's just as painful and frustrating for us as it is for you. I don't have any answers. Who am I to provide them? I am in no place to provide answers. But all I can say is that you have to be willing to communicate and be open.
In a relationship, it's not just about you anymore. There is room for independance and private space. If anything, I reccomend reading "aspergers-a love story" and "love,sex, and long term relationships" by Sarah Hendrickx.
They're both avid reading for both Nts and aspies. A great way to learn about eachother and to open new ways of understanding and communicating. For me, I'm still very confused by the mixed signals and mixed messages. And I stil very much like this aspie guy. The response I got before from the author of this article was that my guy did like me, but was unsure of it himself.
My guy is a poet and for all poets, alot of their personal struggles come out in the poetry, sometimes unknowingly. I know from this, and from the interaction we have had, that he has and is actively learning how to interact and socialise and read signals and communicate.
To be honest, from what I've read about the general population of AS men, my guy seems somewhat differnet. He is upfront and honest, telling me straight away about not being romantically attracted to me and the lengthy explanation about friendship. And yet being extremely friendly, and loving. I think he is the opposite. He is actively searching for love, and it seems that the harder he tries, the more depressed he becomes. And I don't know if he's trying to do the right thing with me and taking it slow, friends first and seeing where it goes, or whether he's distancing himself.
And if he is distancing himself, its conflicting with the things he did on our date. I think it's also worth stating what's been said to me.
I've left, in my first comment on this blog, a detailed account of what happened on my date with this aspie guy, along with the questions that have been bugging me. I wanted to reach out to let you know that I am in nearly a similiar situation which is further complicated as my husband and I are trying to do an international adoption for which may cause complications if my brother is not able to find a way to more independently sustain himself.
I will not able to have him come live with us if my mother passes I am hoping to find some better answers to my concerns and care for my brother. If you or anyone on this forum have found any further helps, please share. This is sooo very disturbing. I had my daughter in therapy since she was 6. Her therapist of 8 years did NOT diagnose her correct.
My daughter now is What do I do? She appeared to be reading a book. She also would be everywhere watching. It made people angry. She also switched large personal plants on different floors as if she was controlling us. My niece and sister talk on and gush sentiment,leave long messages but have answering machines on cell or land line.
My girlfriend of 3 years just happened to run across an Asperger video which lead her to the test. She took the test as if she were me and then informed me of the results.
I then ran across your test and decided to take it. This could explain so much about me that it is troubling. Anyway, thanks for the test, I think it could be a life saver eventually. I have been dating a man 55 yrs old for the past year whom I suspect may have undiagnosed Aspergers.
He was married 30 years and there was major communication issues it seems. How can I help him most and how can I help myself from the emotional rollarcoaster that it sometimes brings? Thank you for sharing your experience Valarie. Your concerns are legitimate: He or she can refer you to a specialist who can best diagnose the behaviors.
Do you have access to a homeless shelter in your area? If so, oftentimes there will be a social worker on staff or who makes regular visits. This person can be a tremendous resource for you. They can help you with many of the things you are struggling with well, maybe not the hot girl;.
If there is no shelter near you, make a call to the nearest Dept. I am certain my mom has Aspergers Syndrom.
After looking into thew symptoms, i am even more convinced. Shes a great worker although she can only secure minimal paying jobs. She works in a kitchen and washed hair in a salon for more then 20 yrs. I never have talked to her about it. I bring her to appts, groceries, etc. There is a lack of that connection. Is there anything i can do to improve her life? She calls times a day to say hello.
Like i said, i feel awful that i want to dodge her call. Can u help me, help her? My husband recently came to me and said that he thinks he is autistic…I was dumbfounded, shocked, scared, bewildered, and many other emotions.
He absolutely abhors social get togethers. Eye contact does not come naturally for him. We are very blessed in that his fixation is on automobiles, he is like a car surgeon that knows just about everything there is to know to diagnose a problem and fix it on cars from the Model A or T to Rolls Royce to Jaguar etc…all makes, all years…it is an uncanny knack and he makes a good earning with it.
Our marriage of 16 years has been an extreme struggle, full of many frustrations and difficulties. Yes, living with Aspergers is quite difficult. I moved in with a friend of 45 years and after a year and a half I thought I was going nuts. I realize now, with all the help from the internet, that I need to encourage my friend to be tested but he is 72 and extremely rigid regarding anything different. He waters all the lawns in the neighborhood by hand and connects hoses and hoses together so he can use his own water.
At exactly 7am, EVERY morning he has one cup of tea and two cups of buillion and thats it until the beer starts at 10 or If you look at him when speaking his eyes glaze over.
I honestly think he only hears himself and even then I wonder. He will just hand me the remote to turn it off. He writes on 3 X 5 index cards with black sharpies and sticks them every where to remind himself of what he needs to do or where to be. The whole situation seems to be getting worse and being that he is my friend of so many years I feel I need to be proactive and do something. But where do I start?
This sounds like me, my stepfather, half of the engineers i work with, all of my top management, and everyone in the IT department. This is just being intelligent and male. My son is 21 and was diagnosed with permanent brain damage with aspergers like symptom 4yrs ago. I applied for SSA but he was declined of services because he was fully functional and can do manual labor.
Any suggestions would be helpful. Mental health needs most of the time get denied so appeal. Also use an ssa lawyer like dr. Bill latour or binder and binder because they do everything and if approved that take a small amount from firstbenefits check only.
Recently I was meeting with a therapist to talk about my son, who is 19 and struggling, and the therapist asked if I thought my husband had aspergers. It was a revelation. He thinks he is an introvert, which he is, but I feel strongly it is more than that. Social situations and friendships are extremely difficult for both of them, despite being very loving, compassionate and very bright people.
Do you have a suggestion for how to proceed? Buy my husband a book? Try to talk him into couples counseling? I believe my boyfriend of two years may have Aspbergers. He is also an alcoholic and has recently been arrested for various charges one of which being burglary.
This is not who he is! However, when he drinks he is a completely different person. Almost like he has a split personality! My boyfriend is usually a big source of support for me but at times its like I have a third child. I have wondered if I have this for a long time. I am 23 and was diagnosed at a very young age. I have gone through many fazes, and have been interested in cars for the last few years, and have built 2.
I am struggling in my relationship of the last 2 to 3 years, because she was…dishonest…with several other partners while I was back home attempting to reconnect with family.
And are people with this disorder should the be on a specific diet like no gluten? I really care for him and am so worried what should I do or get him to do. Like many others I have a son nearly 38 who has only just been diagnosed with Aspergers. He can be an absolutely awful person, screaming at me on the phone in an unbelievable temper and its all about things he has lost. Girlfriends, cars, possessions and its all my fault!!! These outbursts have been occurring ever since he came back from the UK which turned out to be disastrous for him.
I was living in Australia at the time but now we are both back in New Zealand. This fixation about past siutuations is not only upsetting and insufferable for him, but his behaviour towards me is really quite disgusting and the swearing is unbelievable. I now know that his having Aspergers can be the cause of his outbursts which are getting more and more frequent.
He lost his Dad when he was 19 but he coped with everything really well at the time, I thought. However he told me he was getting terrible nightmares living in his fathers townhouse and he then sold it to go to the UK.